Hello blog fans! Last night, I had the privilege of attending an advanced screening of the upcoming horror flick The Apparition. One of my good friends obtained a ticket, and invited me along. Didn’t we feel special going downtown to an advanced screening?! We saw the trailer before hand, and agreed that this could be a good movie! Exciting!

Last night, we met downtown at Yonge Dundas square. We presented our special “admit two” voucher at the theater, and they let us know to keep our ticket, as there would be a draw for some prize packs. AWESOME! Prize packs! The excitement of the evening was heightened! We headed into the quite full theatre and found two seats together. We noticed several seats blocked off for what we assumed would be VIPs, but turned out to simply be for people who were working the event. I digress…

Signs plastered the theater from event sponsors, among them were Z103 and The Sun. A couple of guys in Z103 shirts did the draw for three prize packs (which turned out to be Apparition Movie Merchandise – likely a t-shirt and maybe a crappy horror-themed beer coolie. We were all thanked for coming to this special advanced screening of the movie that was opening tomorrow *insert unimpressed face* Seriously? Tomorrow??? Advanced screening my ass. Looking around at all the other excited faces, we still felt a little special. That is, until the movie started.

All of the cliches of horror movies surfaced. The movie opens with an old movie of people at a seance trying to manifest a spirit. They call it the Charles Experiment. The table moves, and this group of enthusiasts are all happy with the result. Flash forward to a group of college students who have a high tech setup of cameras, infrared equipment, and special helmets to increase their psychic energy?? They place a statue of “Charles” in the middle of a table and focus on him. Subsequently, some horrible sounds come out of the pipes (someone maybe had a bad burrito?) and the lights go out. We could barely catch that the one girl in the group seems to have been swallowed by a wall.

Jump to the present. We watch a young couple getting used to a new neighbourhood that is mostly empty. They unpack their belongings and start to explore their place. Then bad things start happening. The first thing is that the boyfriend (a skinny, not-so-good looking tech geek) ignores a call and grinds his teeth. When the girlfriend (a ridiculously hot young girl who would never in a million years be with said tech geek) asks who it is, he replies with a lie: “Work.”

Then even weirder things start happening. A brand new cactus shrivels and dies (it’s hard to kill cacti). A strange mold begins appearing in different places (perhaps a little javex would help). The neighbour’s dog runs into the house and dies after staring creepily at a corner (he shouldn’t have eaten that rat poison). The creepy mold takes over the soap in the shower (isn’t that always the way? I just got that at Bath and Body works!!!) Things start going bump in the night.

don't go see apparition
These two would never be together in real life…

The young couple is woken up one night by loud sounds that the tech geek assures the overly hot girlfriend is simply the house settling (into a fissure in the earth?). Geek boy grabs a baseball bat and the girlfriend (complete with T & A outfit of a teddy and some very tight, ass-hugging mini-shorts) go see what it could be. They end up sleeping in the tent in the back yard – and something happens, but it’s inconsequential.

The next day, Geek boy cleans up the mess from the previous night – ghosts can be raucous house guests! It becomes evident that he knows something he’s not letting on. Despite the ridiculous course of events thus far, the noises, the house shaking, ghosts appearing in the shower, he chugs away as if everything is fine. Then the house burps up the statue of Charles that we saw in the video earlier. It becomes evident that Geek boy was the camera man at the previous event. Then the pieces (however loosely related and badly explained) come together.

Turns out that the previous experiment to manifest “Charles” released something (bla bla bla). Geek boy’s friend from college did further experiments to trap it (yeah, because he’s from the ghostbusters) and opened a “rift” (bla bla bla). There was a line in there somewhere when Geek boy’s friend showed up that tried to explain it all, but failed: “It’s not the house that’s haunted, it’s you.” Anywho – they try to rid the world of the entity, of course doing this all as the day winds down and darkness falls. Something happens and it seems like all goes well. I’d like to state here that their strategy for ridding the world of this entity is to play some recording backwards. REALLY? Wow! Super high-tech! How’d you think of that?! *facepalm*

Morning breaks and they pack up the equipment that was strewn all over the house. Everything seems fine. Birds are chirping. Then, out of nowhere, the house up and eats Geek boy’s friend while Geek boy and his I-dont-believe-she’d-go-out-with-you-in-a-million-years girlfriend canoodle happily in the driveway. Something else happens and the boyfriend is eaten by another house. Then the girlfriend somehow ends up in Costco and I think probably dies too, at the hands (literally, I think there were about 8 of them) of the entity. Leaving this horrible movie WIDE open for a sequel. Awful, awful badness.

I DO NOT recommend this movie to anyone with a brain. There is no plot. The story is very loosely tied together with gum and tape. Everything is predictable. My girlfriend made a good point last night when I regaled her about our super-duper advanced screening, “Maybe they show it to you one day before it opens so that you don’t have time to tell anyone how bad it was.” Well I have made time! Auditorium Caveat!