The other day, I found (via George Takei) the most hilarious string of reviews on an Amazon product that I’ve ever seen. I was literally crying, these reviews were so well-written and funny. The reviews were for an inflatable unicorn horn for cats… Does it get any better? Apparently Amazon has a whole HOST of hilarious and amazing products. Here are just a few (dozen) that I absolutely LOVED. Here are my top favourites:

yodelingpickle

The Yodeling Pickle! (Only 1 left in stock!!) Wait, did they actually stock more than one of these? Or are they trying it out on Amazon to see if anyone would ACTUALLY buy a yodeling pickle? Part of me wants to buy it just for the sheer bizareness of it! Apparently, you can buy them used, too. Other people who have had their fill of surprising friends and family by making their pickle yodel are making their used pickle available for others to enjoy!

fingertentaclesRemember that dream where you were an octopus, gliding lightly along the bottom of the ocean? You majestically waved your tentacles and explored your watery world, while looking for tasty prey. Now you can do this ON LAND with a set of five-finger tentacles! You can be a bona-fide Pentapus! Get two sets and you can be a Decapus! Get some for your toes and you could be an Icosapus? (I tried googling what twenty would be.. ) Take your tentacles swimming and enjoy the feeling of being a real sea-creature. Wear them to work and suction cup yourself to your coffee – or a co-worker’s face! Climb walls, and crush small animals in your strong tentacular grip!

handerpantsSave yourself from embarrassing accidents, cover up itchy psoriasis, or just look plain COOL in these epic handerpants gloves! You’ve always wanted the snug feeling of an elastic band around your wrist, and the cool white fabric against your skin is bliss. What’s better than an easy-out pocket for when your middle finger needs to excuse itself? Wear the comforta-bility of 100% polyester against your hands, and let your fingers wave in the wind! There’s no excuse for not having a pair of these. It would be great if I could have my little toes poking out of the snug security of a pair of tighty whities – Please make Feetderpants!

ranchflossDental hygiene becoming a bore? Wish you had some flavour to rub between your pearly whites? Mint getting you down?? Accoutrements has the solution for you! Tasty Ranch flavoured dental floss! Spend your morning commute with the tasty flavour of Ranch filling your mouth. No more minty mornings with this product! Mint flavour is a thing of the past. It’s time you enjoyed flossing! Why not prelude Ranch floss time with a little BACON toothpaste? Your brushing and flossing regime will never be the same again!

 

narwhalsEveryone loves a narwhal. They are magical and graceful creatures, until they stab you accidentally in the eye with their two-meter long horn… which is not actually a horn, it’s a tooth… growing out of the center of its forehead… GROSS! I digress. Back to the magical fantastical-ness of the narwhal. Personally, I’ve always wanted a narwhal. What a great family pet! You can go on a ride together, spear fish and other sea-creatures together, and crap in the water together (because that’s what water animals do. They crap in the water. It’s really gross). Anyhoodle, I don’t have a pool big enough for a narwhal, and I don’t live close enough to the lake to keep one there, either. And then I found THIS! A complete set of FIVE finger narwhals!!! Reminiscent of the five-finger tentacles, You can have a narwhal of every colour on each finger! Problem SOLVED!

candycigarettesAre you sad now that Popeye’s candy cigarettes have been renamed to Popeyes Candy Sticks, and also that they are nearly impossible to find?? Now you have options! Complete with a realistic-looking yellow-tipped filter, these tasty sticks will help groom you for future habits! No nasty nicotine stains on your fingers, kids! And you won’t come home smelling like an ash tray, either, they’re ORANGE flavoured! Be just like dad!

Quitting smoking and don’t want your super-cool friends to know? FOOL THEM with these realistic candy cigarettes! You might have to discreetly bite off the end of your candy stick so that people actually think you’re smoking… but from a block away, these candy cigarettes could be really convincing to someone you don’t want to know you’re quitting! ACT NOW! Get a pack for everyone in your family. And a case for yourself! NO DUTY or taxes on these babies!!! Smoke all you want (risk of obesity).

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