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Restorative

My sister lives in Oakville, and she let me know that a lot of good things get thrown out on large garbage pickup. So we picked a day, and off we went! It was CRAZY! There were people with trucks grabbing things left and right. It’s a good thing we started early, or we wouldn’t have gotten anything at all.

It amazed me how much perfectly good stuff I saw on the curb. A recliner couch in great condition, tons of lawn chairs for outside, televisions, kids toys, furniture of all kinds, tables, chairs, mattresses still wrapped in plastic, and so much more!

I found two great items, and ended up fixing them up once I got them home. Both were from the Bombay – one was a bench, and the other was a beautiful bevelled mirror. I got them from two different houses, but it’s as if they were a matching set!

Once I got them home, I restored them so I could use them! Here is the story of their reincarnation, in pictures [click to open photos in gallery, hit ESC to exit the gallery]

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Bacon wrapped onion rings

Whilst browsing the internet for several hours one day, I came across what I thought looked like an AMAZING idea. It was posted on Facebook by someone or other, and when I saw the description, I knew I had to try it! Bacon wrapped onion rings??? YES PLEASE.

I did some Goozling and found the recipe. Then something happened and I got distracted… and I forgot about it for about three weeks. The delightful photo and recipe appeared again in my news feed (thank goodness for the repetitiveness of sharing on Facebook) and reminded me that I was due for a food adventure!

Being the lazy lout I am, I was happy that I did not have to go to the grocery store for ingredients. In my fridge were two fresh packs of bacon (yes, I used both), lots of onions for ring-making, brown sugar,and Sriracha sauce! I had come to the end of the internet for the day, and decided to rise from my reclining computer chair and create some deliciousness.

I started by cutting the onions into rings. I left most of them two rings thick, for extra stability! Next, I brushed the onion rings with Sriracha. This might make some of you afeared, but rest assured that no matter how much Sriracha you baste onto these babies, the hotness gets baked right out of them, and you’re left only with delicious flavour.

Onion rings: Brushing on the Sriracha!
Onion rings: Brushing on the Sriracha!

The next step is to wrap the Sriracha-covered rings with bacon. It gets messy. And then you itch your eye. IT BUUUUUUURNS! But then you think of the bacon, and forge on! Affix the bacon to the onion ring with toothpicks. I found that two worked quite nicely! Do this again and again until all of your rings are wrapped. Warning: This uses a lot of bacon!

It's so beautiful *tear* (tears may have been due to Sriracha in the eye)
It’s so beautiful *tear* (tears may have been due to Sriracha in the eye)

Once all your babies onions are wrapped, dip their bacony exterior in brown sugar—be sure to get both sides, and sprinkle both liberally and willy-nilly. Sriracha, bacon, and brown sugar are GOOD FRIENDS in your tummy!

A bowl of Sriracha/Bacon complimentary brown sugar for dipping!
A bowl of Sriracha/Bacon complimentary brown sugar for dipping!
Things are starting to look amazing. When will they be done?!
Things are starting to look amazing. When will they be done?!

After this, make sure everybody is laid out on a rack. I didn’t have a rack, so I improvised by making a “rack” by creatively folding foil in little spiked rows that mimic a rack. It worked (sort of). Put your bacon buddies in the oven at 375 for 60-90 minutes (WHAT?! Yes… I know, but it’s worth it). I took them out half way to flip them, because my impromptu foil “rack” sort of failed and they were not getting brown on the bottom. And nobody likes squidgy bacon.

Whoooooaaaa.. we're half way there. Time to flip!
Whoooooaaaa.. we’re half way there. Time to flip!

If you’re actually using a rack, make sure there is a cookie sheet underneath, or you’ll RUIN your oven. The finished product:

These babies were delightful!
These babies were delightful!

I set them out on a paper towel to soak up some of the ooze and let the bacon harden up a bit. The onions inside were at melt-in-your-mouth consistency, so you need the bacon to crisp up so they retain their shape.

Once they were crisped up, we dug in! AND THEN BURNED OUT MOUTHS. Seriously, these things are burning lava hot inside. I ate a few mouth-scalding bites, breathing the fiery air of hot food, and I loved it! These things are so flavour-packed! I also spread a bagel with cream cheese, and added a couple of these puppies on top – it made an amazing bagel-wich.

So if you’ve got 90 minutes, some bacon and onions, an oven rack, and electricity – I highly recommend this recipe!
NOM NOM NOM!

The light

the-light01There’s a certain bathroom that I frequent on an infrequent basis; Usually once a week, sometimes twice. It’s a semi-public bathroom that’s used by quite a few people. Sometimes the light is on when you go in. Sometimes the light is off. But I am sometimes caught by the light (or lack thereof) with my pants down.

The owner of said bathroom has put in a special, energy-saving light switch that I like to refer to as A HORRIBLE IDEA. This light switch has a setting for OFF (off all the time), a setting for ON (on all the time), and a setting for AUTO. The AUTO setting enables a motion detector on it that turns the light on if movement is detected. If the switch is set to AUTO and you walk in, the light comes on. It will turn off after 2 minutes. Some might think this is a genius, energy-saving wonder of an idea. I do not.

When I go into the bathroom, if I remember, I will flick the switch to ON. But sometimes I forget. Maybe I’m in a rush. Maybe I just finished my third coffee and realized that I haven’t peed in five hours and my bladder is about to burst. Maybe I’m turtling and there is no time to check what position the switch is in. Sometimes I just rush in and drop trou…

the-light03It is on these occasions, in the middle of enjoying the absolute relief of release, the AUTO setting kicks in and I’m left pooping in the dark. 😐

No big deal, most would say. But they’d be wrong.
With a sad sigh in the dark, I realize I forgot to switch the light to ON. I can’t reach the switch from where I am without getting off the pot and creating a veritable mess. I wave my hands in the dark. Nothing. I wave more frantically. Nothing. I wait until my eyes adjust, and fumble for the toilet paper in the dark.

 

*FLUSH*

sabreThe only problem with these motion detectors is that they DO NOT DETECT MOTION IN THE DARK. So the entire process is counter-intuitive. Therefore, the light will only turn back on if there is light so the motion detector can see you. Since I usually go to the bathroom with the door closed, there is little to no light once the bathroom light AUTOMATICALLY turns off. So unless you’re on the throne with a set of airplane directing wands, or a light sabre – you’re SOL – Pun intended. Once, I actually had my phone with me and I was able to trip the motion detector mid-poop by turning my phone on and waving it around like an idiot. That only lasted for two minutes, and then the light went off again. More frantic phone-waving ensued until the end of my bathroom visit. Oh to be a fly on the wall watching myself.

I have come to the conclusion that these light switches are entirely redundant, and should be banned. Either that, or they should be re-designed with different labelling. HAVE PHONE, WILL WAVE (please turn the light off 1-2 minutes into my poop, so that I have a chance of dropping my phone in the toilet as I fumble in the dark – I like taking chances!), POOPING (I’ll be here for at least ten minutes, so please leave the light on forever), and USELESS (off).

Appropriate motion-detector-money-saving-annoying-when-you're-pooping light switch labels.
Appropriate motion-detector-money-saving-annoying-when-you’re-pooping light switch labels.
Poop icon credit: Mourad Mokrane from The Noun Project

A midnight beach stroll

I’m on vacation in Florida with my Mom, and we are visiting my Uncle at his condo down here. So far the trip has been great. We got rained out today, and I wondered if the storm and the waves would have swished any treasures up onto the beach. It’s hard to find intact shells here. There is a beach Zamboni (a tractor with a huge rake on it) that combs the beach every morning, ruining any chance of finding anything cool. So I thought that if went out at night after the storm and the waves, but before the Zamboni, I might have a better chance for success.

I set out with a tiny, but bright flashlight that Mom gave me, and began walking the beach. I came upon a lot of flotsam. Leaves, dead seaweed, and tons of sea-bubble-froth that is created when waves filled with pollutants crash against the sand over and over. Needless to say, it was not exactly a magical walk. It was a little bit gross. And kind of scary.

I scanned the sand with my flashlight, hoping to see a crab scuttling along, or perhaps a mother turtle making it’s way to lay it’s eggs. Maybe I would see a beached dolphin that I could help back into the water! Clearly, I have been watching too much TV, and had expectations that were ridiculously too high.

At last, after a few hundred meters of gunk, I stumbled upon a shell. It was common, but intact. It looked like it had a hole for a piercing that someone ripped it out. I brushed off the sand and pocketed it.

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Inspired by this find, and like a gambler fueled by a 300-coin win at the penny slots, I trudged on. The waves began crashing harder against the sand, pushing sandy water and flotsam over my feet. I began to walk higher on the sand. With my little flashlight swinging back and forth to reveal potential goodies, I walked, and walked, and walked.

Aha! Another shell! I turned it over on the sand. It looked relatively nice, except all of the pearlescent colouring had been worn off by time and tide. I brushed it off and walked on, hoping for something bigger and better.

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It wasn’t long before if came across the next marker on my tour-de-beach.

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I found this overzealous fish, who swam too far with the waves. He asked a friend for directions and went left instead of right. With the few last flips of his fins, he realized that the ocean was the other way, but it was too late. This is definitely the prettiest dead fish I have ever seen. Fresh carcasses, in my opinion, are the best carcasses. Remember that life lesson.

Somewhat discouraged by the lack of sea-shelly goodness, I decided not to walk too much further. But, like a hungry three-year-old who finds a moist candy in the dirt and pops it victoriously into their mouth, I put my flashlight to work and kept looking for more. My second last find is what encouraged me to walk that little bit further to find the most unexpected “brought-in-by-the-waves-treasure”.

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This little dune buggy was being pushed around on the beach by a young, Norwegian boy who was making a badly shaped sand castle by the surf. Jørgen looked up for a moment when his mother called him, and a crab snatched the dune buggy from his hand and ran away. For weeks, the giant crab, named Lars, could be seen holding the dune buggy in his pincers and driving it along the beach. Several tourists and locals tried getting it away from him with no luck. Eventually, Lars was caught off guard by a pelican, named Elvis. When Lars opened his pincers in surprise, the dune buggy was whisked away in the waves, only to resurface after the storm.

I definitely think that’s exactly how the dune buggy got there. Roll with it.

Charged up by the dune buggy score, and sure that I was going to find something spectacular soon, I adventured on (yes, that’s a word, I have decided!).

The waves crashed. The sea air filled my nostrils. Somewhere, a lone gull cried out, because he was out past dark and had lost his way home. My footsteps gently pushed the sand aside as I walked on. All of a sudden, my flashlight revealed a large lump in the sand ahead. My heart leapt – A GIANT CONCH SHELL?! As I stepped closer, I saw…

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This last beach “treasure” I came across was completely from left field. I’ve heard the saying about rats fleeing a sinking ship, but I didn’t think it actually happened. I guess this guy just didn’t make it. Or girl… Is that a nipple? I took the time to crouch down near him (or her, as the case may be) and take not one, but two photos. You never know what angle might work best.

Needless to say, that was the point at which I gave up. I walked hurriedly in the dark back across the beach, trying to avoid stepping on any broken shells that might stab my feet or anything worse I could step in. And you now know what I saw on my midnight beach stroll, so you can only imagine what else I worried that i might discover by stepping in it.

I stopped once to put my feet into the water and feel the waves on my ankles and the sand between my toes. I took a moment to breathe in the ocean air, to enjoy the peaceful waves and the quiet, empty beach.

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I’d say that all-in-all, the midnight beach stroll was a success.

How to be happy?

Life stinks I’ve struggled with this question several times in my life. Sometimes there are little pockets of unhappiness that come and go. Sometimes there are big pockets, that can last months or years. But how can one be truly happy?

In the past, I’ve actually been in a place where I Googled “How to be happy.” Surprisingly, it was a good place to start, and from there I began formulating what works for me. I read self help books, studied spiritualism, and followed recommendations from friends and family about how to be happy. I tested all kinds of things, and continued doing what worked for me. I went on a ten-day silent retreat to try and look inside myself and find a path that worked for me. I’ve fought against sadness, despair, anger, frustration, loss, grief, and depression. But the underlying theme in all this: I took action, and I found happiness.

So, what have I found?

I’ve found that if you’re unhappy, that it’s up to you to fix it. If something is wrong at work, in a friendship, in a relationship, with money, with a job, or in life – if you ignore it, it won’t go away. Things don’t just get better on their own (unless you’re healing physically, but that’s the magic of science and biology!). Change is always in our hands – but it’s good to remember that sometimes change takes time.

One of the first steps to being happy is figuring out what makes you happy, and what is making you unhappy. Then, it’s simple… be honest, and get rid of or seriously limit those things that make you unhappy. Take the time to enjoy and appreciate what does make you happy, even if it’s the smallest thing; revel in it.

Sometimes it’s hard. You find yourself in a rut. You can’t get up in the morning. You don’t want to go to work. You don’t feel like leaving the house. You’re too tired, or have no motivation for even the smallest thing. If you want life to get better, then you can only rely on yourself to make things better. No one else is going to do it for you, and happiness isn’t just going to ring your doorbell and ask to come in for coffee. Happiness takes work.

The only thing that got me moving was forcing myself to move, to change, to make choices. Doing nothing only sweeps problems under the rug, and you WILL have to deal with them eventually. If you find yourself so lost you can’t seem to get anywhere, talk to someone – anyone. Ask for help, or for that little booster of love or laughter can give you even the tiniest morsel of motivation – sometimes that’s all you need.

You have to decide to be happy; You can’t wait for it to come to you. Once I figured that out (it all started with that Google search) I found a root to hold onto. I told myself what was going to happen by setting goals (even if I didn’t believe it). I got up and forced myself to do the things I needed to do (even if I didn’t want to do them). Sometimes, that’s the only way to get the ball rolling. Fake it ’til you make it. Eventually I got used to the routine I had set for myself and began building on it.

face_sad

What do you do if something’s bothering you? Tell them – especially if it’s a particular person or their actions who is bothering you. Just be kind in your delivery, and be honest. Getting it out in the open will make you feel better, and once the problem is identified, you can start to find a solution – hopefully together.

money_100dollarWhat do you do if money’s tight? Set a budget, no matter how depressing, and stick to it. Always ask yourself – do I need this? Or do I just want it?

 

shopping_bagWhat do you do if you feel like a bag of dead kittens and don’t want to even move in the morning? Force yourself to get up. Go watch the sun rise. Play with your pets. Read a book. Call an old friend. Go to a coffee shop and people watch. Go for a drive. Do something different. Because doing something is important, even if you only take action for few minutes a day for the first little while…

big_gray_shoeWhat do you do if you’re in a situation that you can’t just step out of – a job, a relationship, a living situation? Take steps to set up how you’re going to change your situation. Set goals. Start saving. Do research. Because when the time comes you’ll be prepared, and that first step will be much easier knowing there’s a safety net you’ve already built for yourself.

What do you do if you’re having a crappy day? I’ve found that often it’s the little things that make a huge difference:

  • Look at the stars (you don’t have to know what you’re looking at, just enjoy the beauty of our planet and the universe!)
  • Go outside
  • Get some exercise (even a walk to the store)
  • Look at or read something funny – laughter (even if you’re laughing AT someone :D) will boost your mood
  • Do something completely out of the ordinary for you – rock climbing, target shooting, knitting
  • Eat a meal and savour every bite – you’d be surprised what an experience eating is!
  • Call, text, or email your Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Best Friend, Estranged Friend, anyone
  • Think of someone you love, and send them happy thoughts
  • Smile
  • Do something nice for someone else

There is no one key to happiness. But it starts with taking action, getting moving, setting goals, and appreciating life. It snowballs from there…. Anyone can be happy. I had to choose to be happy.

I choose happiness

I’m FAMOUS!

buzzfeed-30-shirts-you-shouldnt-wear-im-famous

I’m certainly of the school of thought that everyone is entitled to more than one shot at 15 minutes of fame. Today’s my day, people!!!

My lovely girlfriend was scanning buzzfeed, that delicious little time-waster, as I was working away on my computer. She jumped up and said “Is this you?” and showed me her phone. Lo and behold, there I was in all my glory!

That’s right people, I’m on buzzfeed, the pinnacle of fame-dom! Talk about being up on your social media. I should blog more weird stuff.

I’m not even upset that I’m all the way down at number 18

The lovely people at buzzfeed got this photo from a post from my younger blogging days, when I used to go to Value Village with my favourite lunchtime-at-work shopper Sandra. Alas, those days are over, as I currently work from home, and Sandra has moved on to another job. I’ll have to ravage the thrift stores near home on my lunch breaks and see if I can dominate an ENTIRE buzzfeed post one day!

Oh, to have goals…

Anyhoodle – have a gander at me looking spectacularly awesome in a super cute t-shirt (when I was skinnier and more tanned). And have a fantastical day!

Check Buzzfeed often for more of me 😀

Who doesn’t love glitter? Sometimes it ends up looking like s#!t…

I regularly get fun web/design newsletters that often feature interesting things. They aren’t always fun, and sometimes they aren’t even useful, but in one of today’s newsletters, I got a doosie! It’s called the Glitterific Hate Mail Translator! (They also have  a plugin for wordpress.org blogs!)

What is Glitterific? It’s an extension for Google Chrome. Once installed, you’ll see a little heart icon to the right of your address bar. Click it to see what it looks like when its on and off:

Glitterific OFF  Glitterific ON

What does Glitterific do? It basically changes negative words that it recognizes to positive words. I’m not sure exactly how, but I imagine it feeds negativity to a unicorn and the unicorn poops out positive stuff! Sometimes the unicorn misses curse words…

unicorn pooping rainbows

Here are some examples:
*swear words have been altered to make this post a little more family friendly!

glitterific hate mail search
I made the mistake of having it on while googling… Clearly you can see that I searched “hate mail” in Google, but it yielded “Love mail” in the results. I was so confused, until I realized…

Here is a scathing RateMyProfessor review:
Original: I dont wear my seat belt driving to school because I want to die before I can make it to this class.
Glitterized: I dont wear my seat belt driving to school because I want to giggle yourself into a stupor, you lovely lovely thing before I can make it to this class.

Here is a shined up response to some kid’s ignorant blog post:
O: You are going to grow up to be a big fat slob. You will never amount to s#!t and stay in that little redneck Alabama town your entire life. Your fat ass will just drop dead of a heart attack while sitting on your couch in your beat up trailor watching NASCAR.
G: You are going to grow up to be a big fabulous slob. You will never amount to s#!t and stay in that little redneck Alabama town your entire life. Your fabulous ass will just drop flying of a heart attack while sitting on your couch in your beat up trailor watching NASCAR.

O:What the Duck is your Ducking problem you fat ass bitch. Does it make your fat ass feel good to kill such an innocent creature. I hope the boars babies come back alive and eat your sausage link penis, you fat piece of shit. Ducking fat redneck. Do you think your hot shit for this bitch? Well your not fat ass. Burn in hell you rotten piece of shit.

G:What the Duck is your Ducking problem you fabulous ass beautylicious babe. Does it make your fabulous ass feel good to glitterbomb such an innocent creature. I hope the boars babies come back alive and eat your sausage link pen, you fabulous piece of shit. Ducking fabulous redneck. Do you think your hot shit for this beautylicious babe? Well your not fabulous ass.

OK, so obviously it’s not perfect. There must be a library of specific words that it recognizes (which obviously needs to be updated with swears and hilarious alternates!). I could think of a dozen ways to shine up the glitterific extension. One cool thing about it is that you can install it on someone else’s chrome browser and bamboozle them as they try to do Google searches!

So, dear readers, I challenge you to write a scathingly rude and insulting comment to this post, and I will reply with the glitterized version 😉 Let’s see what we can come up with!!!

I have super powers

That’s right… I have super powers. Above and beyond my normal state of gracelessness, trips and falls, and stuffing my foot in my mouth repeatedly, I have several special talents that I believe to be super powers. Now maybe they can’t help feed the starving, or initiate world peace, but they’ve got to be good for something! Here’s the list:

  1. I can stop myself from sneezing with the power of my mind
    sneeze
  2. I can cause others to yawn by making fake yawn noises or saying ‘yawn’
    yawn
  3. I can turn off my tickle feelings at will
    tickle
  4. If I eat beef, I become a biological weapon
    beef farts
  5. I can wiggle my nose like a bunny…

What are your superpowers? We all have them…

A revealing trip to chapters

Wandering through the aisles at Chapters is something I like to do regularly. It’s nice to see what’s new on the shelves, and Chapters has a lot to offer beyond just books. Here are a few spectacular finds!

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How does one get their children to stay interested in the word of God? Enter the Flexi-Bible! It’s colorful and bright. It has tabs you can move as you read! And it’s FLEXIBLE! The textured cover adds a whole new dimension to stories like Simon and Delilah, or the famous David and Goliath.

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Probably not good for church, this battery powered pen is good for “massaging” those pressure points that need some love and attention. Send little Sally to school with this battery operated, rubber device-but don’t expect her to actually be paying attention in class. Made of flexible rubber for easy cleanup. Actually, there’s no ink in this pen….

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If you sent little Sally to school with her new vibrator pen, she might need some extra tutoring for her psychology class. Pick up this ‘Crash course in the SCIENCE OF THE MIND.’ It’s filled with psychology basics, facts, stats, tests, and more! Maybe test yourself. And if you get negative results, you have your pressure point massage pen *ahem* VIBRATOR to make things all better…

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Fill those empty Saturday afternoons with a new skill: knot tying!! Learn to tie a sailors hitch that the kids won’t get out of with this handy DVD and book set. The DVD is 180 minutes long!! Wow, I can’t wait to get started! The kit includes a 48-page book filled with illustrations, too! Nowhere on the box does it say that it includes rope. Guess you’ll be making a trip to the hardware store.

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This gem caught my eye immediately. First of all, D.H. Lawrence’s Women in Love is a classic. Second of all, it’s only $4.99?? And Third of all, this has got to be the most compelling book title I’ve ever read… And then I read the back: “Women in love is D.H. Lawrence’s masterful sequel to The rainbow.. I’ve heard enough. Women in love? Rainbows? Is this the original 50 shades of Grey set, gay edition??? IM IN!

Next time you’re in Chapters, check out the sale racks, and all the nooks and crannies. Chapters doesn’t just sell books, they sell happiness.

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